I Found a Producer

Now what?

A former colleague, Mary Ann, agreed to produce my proof of concept, which has me feeling excited, relieved, and a little scared.

When you live with something for so long—first in your mind, then in script form—but still don’t talk about it much, there’s something about it that doesn’t feel real.

Deeply embedded in my psyche is a fear of being seen, which is why, for many reasons, I was subconsciously drawn to producing as a career, because it’s a role that’s everywhere and nowhere. The invisible thread that ties everything together, but in many instances is hidden.

So when Mary Ann agreed to produce, it began to feel real—a sigh of relief, because she’s an extremely talented and buttoned-up producer. Someone I’ve worked with closely on projects and always felt aligned in our methods. But now, there’s this reality I’ll have to talk about my script as if it’s a real thing, when in many ways, it still exists in the ethers.

I thought I would never get any of my personal projects made.

A lot of this is because of my own procrastination. It felt comfortable to live in the striving. You don’t have to face the intimacy that comes with discussing your creative ideas and hoping that the other person takes them seriously. It becomes safer to stay in this “one day” mentality—opining, complaining, and keeping yourself stuck. Sometimes the scariest thing isn’t ever going after the thing you want the most, but making it manifest into reality.

Securing a producer was hanging over my head for a long time. I knew I couldn’t confidently perform both roles, even though most filmmakers do at this stage. My default mode is to take on everything, and ask for little help. But when it came to taking steps towards making a feature, I had to relinquish control.

For so long I’ve been mulling over who would be the right fit to produce this that I haven’t put any thought into which scenes from the script to shoot. This will be our first starting point: each of us re-reading the script and comparing our notes around which scenes would embody the essence of the film, not only from a story standpoint but a visual one as well.

I have to be honest, I’m not sure where this proof of concept will lead. It’s not enough to have a screenplay and a pitch deck. It might help with getting a few meetings, but I’m not naive enough to pretend that it will lead to any kind of financial investment.

What has been clear is that there’s going to be a new wave of independent filmmakers, creatives who aren’t going to be reliant on a co-sign from a traditional production company or network, but are instead building their own audiences. The industry is changing, but where it’s headed is still unclear.

I’ve always felt that through adversity and uncertainty is when a new cycle of filmmaker emerges.

What I mean by this is that within the past year and a half, coming off of the strikes and LA fires, a large portion of my network has made the decision to make projects on their own.

This is obviously, for many reasons, a very difficult and humbling path to take. Not everyone can go down this road, bills need to be paid. But for those who have been able to figure out how to generate alternate routes of income, building your own audience and producing your own work feels like the next wave. Of course, distribution is murky and deserves a separate conversation, but in some regards it feels like we’re going to see more filmmakers who are akin to Cassavetes.

At first I thought this line of thinking felt out there. I’m a big fan of 1970s independent film, and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t love more than to see this era in filmmaking make a comeback.

But I also recognize that sometimes it’s hard to see things when you’re in it—maybe it’s too soon to say if true independents will come from what has felt like two very dark years in production, but observing this trend feels like an indicator of something much larger taking place.

And so, we continue to push forward.

I’ll scan my script, and hem and haw and wonder if I’ll make the right decision about what to shoot. If I’ll be able to find a scene where nuance, themes, and aesthetics are equally measured without coming across as pretentious.